Homesick

When I was growing up, my father was in the Air Force so I've lived all over the United States and in several countries overseas. I've moved more than forty times, but lost count somewhere after thirty-five. America is home, yet it's not really "home." Being born on foreign soil in Morocco, Africa, I held dual citizenship until I was fifteen, which only adds to my anxiety about where I am truly from. I am American, but feel foreign. I am from everywhere, but hail from nowhere. I've lived in every quadrant of the country, so if you are from the Midwest, so am I.

"You're from Des Plaines! Were you ever able to keep lightning bugs alive in a jar overnight?"

"I hear you're from Tennessee. Did you know that my favorite burger place in all the world is White Castle just outside of Nashville? We used to buy burgers there for a dime."

"Pismo Beach, California...don't you just love the melody of the ocean when it sings you to sleep at night?"

Given enough time, I'll hone into your sense of home, while having none of my own. For years I've searched for something that feels like home, yet I currently live in a three-bedroom apartment with one room, designated as the ‘holding room,' filled to the top with storage boxes. I would unpack them if I thought we would stay, but I don't.

I've spent my years transiting in the houses of others. I've tended their gardens, watered their plants, cleaned their windows, cleared their sinks, and unplugged their toilets. I've never painted a wall, chosen a household appliance, or laid tile where I have lived. Rootless and restless, I continually search for permanence - but I'm not actually sure what that is.

So, periodically, when my desperate longing to "return" home becomes so overwhelming that I can barely breathe, I often find myself looking for it in one of the Gospels. Lost in the temporary, I return to the only thing in my life that is permanent - Jesus. Like scanning the Multiple Listing Service offerings for an ideal house, I open the pages of John's Gospel in a frantic search for the perfect solution to my need. Flipping, flipping, flipping, I land at the beginning of chapter fourteen, verse one, every time - every single time.

"Let not your heart be troubled, believe in God, believe also in Me. In My Father's house are many dwelling places; If it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself, that where I am, there you may be also." John 14:1-3

Jesus wanted to go home too - his kingdom was not of this world. In his humanity, he felt that distance from heaven and his Father. In fact, Jesus' first recorded words in Scripture were about wanting to be near His Father. After becoming separated from Mary and Joseph on a trip to Jerusalem at the age of twelve, his parents finally found Jesus in the temple. In Luke 2:49 Jesus said to them, "Why is it that you were looking for Me? Did you not know that I had to be in My Father's house?"

A troubled heart prevents faith, so Jesus encourages his disciples to choose faith over anxiety in John, chapter fourteen. When Jesus uses the word "let," he is telling them that maintaining a troubled heart is a matter of choice. "Let not your heart be troubled..." Put another way, "Opt out of anxiety by choosing to believe in God and choosing to believe in Me."

Several pieces of catastrophic news have been presented to the disciples before this conversation ever takes place in the Upper Room. They have been told that Jesus is leaving, he will die, one of them is a traitor, Peter is going to deny Jesus, Satan is after them all, and before it's all done, every one of them will fall away from Jesus. This is a lot of catastrophe for the disciples to absorb all at once!

Any one of these situations is reason enough for a troubled heart, but Jesus says, "No, opt out. Choose faith instead." If anyone has the authority to tell them this, Jesus does. He has had his own journey with a troubled heart. In John 11:33 Jesus' spirit was "troubled" when he saw the people coming to grieve at Lazarus' tomb and he wept openly. John 12:27 records that Jesus admitted his soul was troubled when he foretold his own death. John 13:21 recounts that Jesus' spirit was troubled when he predicted the betrayal by Judas. Following the events of the Upper Room, Jesus' heart again will be troubled in Gethsemane when he pours out his emotions before the Father.

How can Jesus tell the disciples to opt out of a troubled heart, when his own heart has known trouble? This is what I love about Jesus! In his humanity, he identifies with us; and in his divinity, he points the way through our pain. "Let not your heart be troubled." Anxiety is a choice. Faith is a choice. Despite his tears, Jesus chose to exercise faith at the tomb of Lazarus when he raised him from the dead. "Lazarus, come forth!" is a profound statement of faith. Jesus moved from being troubled in verse thirty-three to calling the dead back to life just ten verses later. Jesus opted for faith, and life was the result!

When the world implodes around me, it is difficult to see or hear anything that doesn't validate my current misery. You might feel that way sometimes too. Cancer patients often testify that once they hear their diagnosis, they don't remember anything else the doctor says after that. Certainly the disciples had a hard time listening to Jesus in John fourteen when they realized he was about to die. Their hearts were beyond troubled - they were tormented. When Jesus tells them they will have a forever place in heaven with him and his Father, they don't hear it; or, at the very least, don't understand it. The misery of their own pain shrieks louder than Jesus' attempt to comfort them. Why would Jesus talk about his Father's house with a bunch of rooms, when everything around them is coming to an end?

Pain is what the disciples hear, but Jesus had already given them a way through the coming pain of his crucifixion - the raising of Lazarus. Resurrecting Lazarus wasn't just for Mary and Martha who had their brother restored. It wasn't just for the masses who believed in Jesus in great numbers following the miracle. Raising Lazarus was also given to the disciples as a picture of the possible so that when the impossible threatened everything they believed in and stole the savior they loved, they would not lose heart.

"In My Father's house are many dwelling places; If it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself, that where I am, there you may be also." John 14:2-3

Home is where the Father is, and Jesus is preparing for a reunion. After thirty-three years of physical separation, Jesus is finally going home. The words of the twelve year-old Jesus must have echoed across the Upper Room that night. "Did you not know that I had to be in My Father's house?" "This world is not all there is," Jesus is saying. "Let me tell you about my Father's house where I am going and where you will come too..."

We all have things that trouble us from time to time, and I don't know what you are facing. It could be financial, relational, family, or medical "trouble" that roils in your heart at the moment. It could be a spiritual issue that threatens your intimacy with Jesus. I don't know, but I do know this: Jesus has already pointed the way through your pain. He wants you to believe!

Has he given you a picture of the possible to encourage you through this hour? Think back over the last ten days or so - pray back over the last ten days. Has he given you a "Lazarus" to testify of his amazing power? Does Jesus want to use you to be a conduit of life for others? Opt for faith in the midst of your trial and he will meet you. He will restore your heart to peace.

Jesus is setting up my homecoming with him. Just as a Jewish bridegroom leaves his new fiancée and goes to his father's house to prepare the bridal chamber for the upcoming wedding, Jesus has returned to his Father's house to prepare a place for me. I miss him, but he will return one day, and I will be ready. I will be listening for the shout, "Behold the bridegroom comes!" and when I do, my frantic search for home will have come to an end. Home is where my Father is, and Jesus is the way. He will take me to his Father's house, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

No wonder I always return to John, chapter fourteen, when I feel homesick!

Copyright © Donna A. Tallman, 2009. Please contact author at delsie2002@yahoo.com for permission to reprint.