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12/30/13 at 08:42 AM 0 Comments

New Year's Resolutions That Will Inevitably Fail

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Most New Year’s resolutions are destined for failure.

The likelihood that the resolutions made by these figures in your church will fail is approximately 99.9%. Here’s why:

The Pastor: Your church’s second service is a magical time for your pastor. He knows he’s got you. First service has to end on time, but the second service offers your pastor infinite possibilities for biblical exegesis; he can really explore the sanctuary space. In many ways, the second service is akin to the director’s cut of a movie; loaded with lots of extra stuff that was wisely cut from the original version.

The A/V Guy (or Gal): I don’t know what’s goin’ on back in the booth that makes the task of scrolling through the worship lyrics so difficult. You’d think that tracking along with the worship band by occasionally tapping an arrow key would be pretty straightforward, but one of two things always happens: either the A/V guy gets trigger happy and starts blazing through the worship slides faster than you can read, or they decide to take a nap for a few verses leaving the entire congregation hanging out to dry on that new worship song. New people are walking in the church for the first time thinking the church is speaking in tongues when, in fact, the congregation is just mumbling along trying to act like they know the words. New folks never come back, the congregation never learns the words to the worship song, and the A/V guy still has a job because he’s reliable and he says “yes” to everything.

The Mom Of The Terrible Kid: Every church has at least one kid that you secretly want to trip every time he runs by you. This kid is a terror and you feel sorry for his mother who chases him futilely around the lobby. You know she is tired and overworked, but that’s still no excuse for taking her sweet time whenever her son’s “number” pops up on the screen during the worship service. Every parent knows that “number” and lives in fear of it; but you have an obligation as a parent to retrieve your child from the children’s ministry whenever her alphanumeric identifier is flashed on the screen. Either your child is crying or she is making life miserable for everyone she’s currently in contact with. Don’t dawdle; extract your child immediately.

What are some other New Year’s resolutions made by prominent figures in your church that will inevitably fail?

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