Marriage Mondays with Shaunti Feldhahn
3/16/15 at 10:09 AM 0 Comments

Ladies, think Golf Balls vs. Cinderella Balls to realize your man does want romance!

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Welcome to Marriage Mondays! Each Monday, join me as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things about men, women, and relationships that make a big difference in creating great marriages.

Tip #50: Ladies, think Golf Balls vs. Cinderella Balls to realize your man does want romance!

Ladies: When you think of romance, what does it look like? A candlelit dinner? Getting whisked away for a night of dance lessons? Having a picnic and watching the sunset? For many women, these kinds of dates are what they equate with romance. So we may look at other marriages and see romantic things the husband is doing, and feel like the romance in our own marriage is dead. Sure, your husband might say “I love you” a lot; he might text you from the solo day fishing and say “Wish you were here;” but what about the “just because” flowers? The couples massage? Why doesn’t your husband seem to think of those things?

Sometimes, it’s easy to feel like romance is the last thing on the minds of our men. But I learned something fascinating in my research for For Women Only—it’s not just women who want romance! In fact, 84% of the men said they desired romance . . . for themselves!

Wait… what?

Does that mean that men share our desire for romantic getaways and candlelit dinners? Believe it or not, yes-- a lot of them would be thrilled to do that stuff with their wives. But they don’t always feel competent to arrange it well—they’re afraid we’re going to laugh at their efforts, and that fear causes many men to hang back.

But perhaps even more importantly, men often look at romance very differently than women do—they want to go out and do things with their wives, and they find shared activity to be incredibly romantic. In fact, the action centers in the male brain are directly tied in with the emotion centers that make a man feel close to the person he is doing something with! So for a man, hitting golf balls or going on a run with his significant other feels romantic and intimate! He feels so close to that person – and he instinctively wants to do something together to have that feeling again.

Once I realized that many men view romance in this way, I started paying attention to all the activities my husband Jeff suggested, like hiking or going for a walk. (Or even “Hey honey, do you want to go to Costco?”) I began to realize that those times– just the two of us doing something together -- were in some ways his version of a candlelit dinner! Once I understood that he viewed spending activity time with me as romantic, I started really noticing and appreciating the sentiment behind it.

So instead of wishing your husband would plan your idea of a romantic date, and being dissatisfied if he doesn’t, try to look at his suggestions for activities in a new, romantic light. Go fishing with him. Play golf. Catch that latest action movie he’s been dying to see. He wants to be close to you by doing things with you. And although he may suggest hotdogs at a baseball game instead of chocolate strawberries by candlelight, you will probably realize that you have a romantic husband after all!

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit for more.

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