Sex is an extremely important part of the marriage relationship. For couples who get this right, it makes life go so much easier. Those who don't, can really struggle and it can make life together extraordinarily very difficult. One of the ironic things about sex and marriage is that before couples marry, you can hardly keep them out of bed, and after they get married, you can't get them back in!
I am often asked the question, "How often should we have sex?" Generally there is one spouse in a marriage who wants to have sex more frequently than the other and it's not always the guy. Often, I will have beautiful women come up to me at my seminars and say, "My husband doesn't want to have sex with me. What do I do?" Honestly, this is not something I can easily relate to! Being a hot-blooded Hispanic, I can't imagine not wanting to have sex with my wife!
But this can become a major point of contention for couples. During my seminars and on my DVD I challenge men to be lovers to their wives; I teach them how to win their wives sexually. But for a lot of people, it still doesn't work and so many couples struggle with this issue. They get frustrated and guys can get especially discouraged. When that happens, they don't want to be lovers to their wives anymore.
Sex was designed by God to be the single greatest force to bring a husband and wife together. If you aren't having sex, you end up with all this separation and tension in the relationship and if you don't fix it, it can eventually destroy the marriage. You must find a way to deal with it. You have to find a way to make this work. Not having sex with your spouse is not right; in fact, it is blatantly wrong and the Bible is very, very crystal clear about it.
If you are one of the millions of couple who struggle with this "how often should we have sex" problem, here is a practical suggestion for you: Grab the calendar and plan out your sex life! Plan this out. Negotiate the schedule.
Let's say he wants to have sex every three days and she wants it only once a week, so you split the difference and plan it for every fourth day. I know it doesn't seem very romantic, but you need to move past that and take care of the sexual needs of your spouse. If you don't, at some point, it will destroy your marriage.
And here is the deal-you can make it incredibly romantic! Once you have it locked in, let's say that your appointment for sex is next Thursday, now have fun and play with it! Flirt with her, remind her of the upcoming appointment! It's great because now the more interested one can be playful and kiss and touch their spouse without the other one thinking. "Great! He just wants to have sex!" It can be a real sensitive issue when your spouse thinks that the only reason you are touching them is because you want to score! This way, they aren't thinking that they are going to be scored on! The game on and no one is in scoring position until Thursday! Now you can be comfortable just being held and touched. Just remember, it ain't Thursday! Lead up to it and really have fun with it. This can be incredibly liberating.
If you are struggling in this area, if you've been married a long time and still arguing about it, just "winging it" is obviously not working. Wake up and smell the coffee and do something about it. If you don't you're running the risk of destroying your marriage.
Plan around being gone this day or that, or we have to do such and such on this day, and this is the kid's soccer day, whatever...just work it out and make time for it! Stick to the calendar and then have fun. Be romantic, give her a back rub, but it's just a back rub cause it not Thursday.
Seriously have a great time with this. The reason a lot of couples aren't touching each other is because one is quick to turn it into a sexual thing and other doesn't want it and backs off. This causes more separation. I promise you, doing this can give you the freedom and liberty that you've been lacking. Then sex can be fabulous and not this tormenting thing that the two of you argue over all the time.
So tonight, grab your calendars and schedule sex! Don't just pencil it in either; write it in ink! Put the smiley face or a heart in the box as code so the kids or the neighbors don't know what it is when they look at the calendar posted on the refrigerator! Plan it, work it, make it fun, and give each other the reminders! Just like an electronic calendar or PDA: "Ding! You have an important meeting in 24 hours!"
Mark Gungor is one of the most sought-after speakers on marriage and family in the country. Each year thousands of couples attend his Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage® seminars. His take on marriage issues is refreshingly free of both churchy and psychological lingo. Mark is pastor of Celebration Church in Green Bay, WI. He speaks for churches, civic events, and business meetings and is even a speaker for the US Army. Mark has been featured on national broadcasts such as Focus on the Family and ABC News. His daily radio program is heard on over 250 radio stations nationwide.