Maybe

There was a time when an invitation required a definitive answer.  But, with advent of the electronic invitation via Facebook or E-vite, one doesn’t necessarily have to answer ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ Frequently, there’s another option:  ‘maybe.’  This postponement possibility is increasingly common to social engagements.  But it also exists in business. The ‘tentative yes’ on the Outlook invitation is certainly a realistic option, but it contributes to a certain non-committal culture.

Sometimes technology makes our rudeness seem less rude to us. But it doesn’t make things easier for people on the receiving end.  Most of the time, the electronic ‘maybe’ is a bit of a cop-out.   It’s easier to be non-committal when you don’t have to hear the disappointment in someone’s voice or fill the silence with a plausible explanation.

The ‘maybe’ phenomenon is common among young people. But we’re all sometimes tempted to keep our options open. When someone asks, ‘How about a movie Friday night?’ we might think, ‘It sounds good.  But what if I get to Friday and I feel like staying home?’ Or, a friend asks: ‘Wanna join us for Christmas dinner?’  You’re thinking,  ‘Sure, unless a better invitation comes along.’  You click ‘maybe,’ send it along, and you’ve successfully postponed the decision.  Technology facilitates what is already true of us. As a culture we have become commitment-averse.

But do we have the right to this ambivalence? The Wall Street Journal recently ran a story entitled, “The Many Powers of Maybe?”  Writer Elizabeth Bernstein says this refusal to commit says a lot about us. She says we fool ourselves if we think a ‘maybe’ doesn’t produce hard feelings. Plus, she writes, “now that we have unlimited access to each other through our smartphones, we feel we have the luxury of waiting until the last minute to make a decision because we can always call, email or text  to say we’ve made up our mind—we’re going to show up after all.”  This is inconsiderate.

One psychologist told Bernstein, ‘maybe’ is all about power. “Person A ‘s “maybe’ essentially puts person B on hold. Person B is powerless.”  I invite a group to dinner and a third of them are ‘maybes’ until the day of the event. I’m at a loss. How much chicken do I buy?

The Journal’s Bernsteininterviewed a retired CEO who says “’Maybe’ is a weasel word.”  A nurse she spoke with says, ‘maybe’ means, “you are not that important; other people or things might come along that are really more important.” Ms. Bernstein suggests some boundaries and other strategies to help us get “past maybe.” 

• Tell the person you hate the word “maybe.”
• Give a deadline:  ‘If I don’t hear from you by Wednesday, I’ll assume you can’t make it.’
• When someone answers your invitation with a ‘maybe,’ just respond with, ‘Maybe another time would work better for you.’

Our ambivalent culture needs to acquire some basic manners.  The second part of James, chapter 5, verse 12 says, “Let your ‘yes’ be ‘yes’ and your ‘no’ be ‘no.’”  That doesn’t leave much room for ‘maybe.’