Adoption Issues in the Teen Years

Most adopted children that I've worked with have one question on their minds in the teen years that is frankly unanswerable. That question creates a void, especially during adolescence.  And that question is, "Why was I abandoned by my birth-mother?"

Here's an interesting statistic...over 40% of our teen residents at Heartlight, our troubled teen residential program, are adopted. This goes to show how prevalent these issues are.

Adopted kids often carry a lot of emotional baggage and the new parents are often caught off guard by how their lovely adopted child acts out when reaching the teenage years.  Many times the "new parents" are a reminder to that child of what she has lost, what she doesn't have, and what she misses.  Thus, anger builds up over why she was abandoned more than about anything the adopted parents did or didn't do.  No matter how loving or generous, the adopted parents just happen to be the convenient ones to take the brunt of her anger.

Here is a letter I recently received from adopted parents...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"We adopted our 16-year old daughter when she was 7 years old in hopes of giving her a better life.  We do not have much money, but we do try to reward her good deeds, which are few and far between at this point in her life.  Now she has serious behavioral (and moral) problems. We are at our last hope for helping her. Is there any way you can help us?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What these parents have done, by adopting this beautiful girl, is an honorable thing.  They might not have been prepared for what they would be facing in the teen years. Just because the daughter is responding the way she is right now doesn't mean that the adoption was wrong.  It's actually to be expected.

Anger comes from loss or when we don't get what we think we want.  The adopted daughter is angry because she hasn't gotten what she thinks she wanted -- her real mom and dad.  She is fantasizing about a world of perfection where everything is okay.  She believes in her heart that if she had not been given up, then everything would be better and she wouldn't have the "emptiness" she feels.

I've seen this dynamic at work many, many times, and I can say that, eventually, the girl will understand it as well and be remorseful for how badly she's been treating her parents. This is just not a conclusion she will likely come to in her teen years.

Meanwhile, the parents still have to deal with and control her behavior.  While behavior has to be contended with, it is a symptom, not the main issue with an adopted child.  And usually, the real issues and the symptoms need to be dealt with at the same time.

In a nutshell, here's what I told these adopted parents:

1. Your understanding now of your child's adoption issues can help you respond differently to their actions in the next ten years.  Perhaps this would be a good time to meet with a counselor yourself to get some direction and input.

2. Your child may need some outside reinforcement. She could meet with someone outside of your family who she can connect with and get some perspective on her feelings that is also supportive of your love, concern, and longings for her.

3. It sounds like she is out of control, but she is actually capable of handling her behavior.  So, she needs some boundaries.  At some point (and it sounds like you are now there) she should be told that you will no longer allow the type of behavior you are currently seeing.  Issues of respect, honesty, and obedience are key. Set up a clear system of rules and consequences.

4. Be sure to reward her good behavior, and allow consequences to have their full affect for her inappropriate behavior.  Make sure she knows in advance what the consequences will be for stepping over the line, then let her decide.  Offer more freedoms as a reward when she behaves better and is respectful.

5. Moral issues may be more reactionary than a change in the teen's heart; most of the time, these issues pass and will "right" themselves.  It is something that should be discussed with her counselor, but should not be the focus of counseling.  She may be saying or doing shocking things to get back at you or just to show everyone that she has control of her life.  So many times, teens will pick lifestyles that are their choice, just to try to prove that they can control their out-of-control life.

6. It takes two to fight. Don't fight!  Let her know that this is not what your family is about and that you will not engage in the childish fighting that she is trying to draw you into. Let consequences speak for themselves.

7. Lastly, hang in there.  No act of kindness goes unnoticed, even when you don't think that she is seeing it.  Remember, the Bible teaches, "...you will reap from what you sow....in due time."  We all get frustrated with the part about "due time."  It never seems to be on our schedule....and never quick enough.

If you do nothing more than give your child a taste of what it means to have a normal life, then you are doing a good thing.  If she only learns that God is one who loves her and will never give her up, then you have created an environment for her to learn some pretty significant lessons.

God has a bigger plan than what you see...pray that He will show you a little more of what He's doing. He will.  And as always, thank you for adopting this child.  No matter how hard it is right now, realize that you have already had a huge positive impact on her life and she will come around, eventually.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, where he lives with 50 high schoolers.  Learn more at http://www.heartlightministries.org or call 903-668-2173.