Parenting Teens: Parental Authority vs. Peer Pressure

It’s one of the hardest things parents deal with: even ifyou’re trying to raise your child the right way, as soon as he walksout the door, you know he’s going to be exposed to all sorts ofnegative—even dangerous—influences. From dress to attitude to a popularculture that says it’s cool to drink and do drugs, parents have everyright to be concerned. Are you afraid to send your child out the door? In this insightful one–on–one interview, James Lehman gives you some honest advice.

EP: James, why do teens tend to do the very things we tell them not to do?

JL: Like it or not, adolescents often gravitatetoward the very things you fear and dislike. Your child doesn’t do thisto annoy you; he’s doing it because his friends are doing it andbecause that’s the developmental stage he’s in. It’s a simple fact thateven before your child hits the pre–teen years, he begins to pull awayfrom you. Unfortunately, one of the primary ways he may do this is byengaging in behaviors you dislike. Suddenly, you see your 13–year–olddaughter’s clothing and style morph into something age–inappropriate—oryou notice that your shy 15–year–old son has started listening to musicwith violent or rude lyrics.

It’s important to remember that, as an adolescent, your child islearning how to be part of a group—and he’s terrified of not fittingin. Kids learn that to go along with others, you either enjoy whatthey’re doing or learn to hide your true feelings as a way to get by.And don’t forget, functionally, adolescents don’t want to just “get by”with their friends; they want to be popular and well–liked. In fact,the drive to be popular is probably the core value of mostadolescents—and they often simply don’t realize what shaky groundthey’re standing on when they take on that value.

Fitting into a group drives your teen’s development and defines whohe is. Resisting authority makes him feel like an individual becausehe’s reaffirming who he is by resisting an outside influence. And inthis case, you are the outside influence your child is resisting. Get ready, because if you don’tlike something, he’s going to like it even more. Listening to music youdon’t like feeds into his feeling of individuation—his sense of wantingto become his own individual. It’s not necessarily that he wantsyou to dislike his music, but if you do, that’s fine with him. The samething happens with clothes, movies, and pop culture. The downside tothat is that in our culture today, adolescents have access to verydangerous things—like drugs and alcohol—to a much greater degree thanteens did 50 years ago. And that access gets easier as time goes on.Every year, younger and younger children can get drugs and alcohol. Inmy years of working with kids in high school, they would brag to methat they could get anything they wanted. And I’d question them. I’dsay, “You mean like sleeping pills and barbiturates? Pain pills?” Andthey would answer, “Yeah, and heroin, crystal meth and coke.” Needlessto say, these are very dangerous drugs—drugs where if you slip up anduse too much, you die. Not only are they highly addictive, they’refatal.

I think that children aren’t ready for that kind of temptation, andif their friends are doing it, they’re very much at risk. Now, in mostareas, the peer pressure is not about hard drugs. In fact, I believesome of the peer pressure is against hard drugs. Butcertainly there’s a lot of pressure to use the drugs that kids see as“soft”: pot, ecstasy, and pharmaceuticals. And I want to clarify that Ipersonally don’t see those substances as soft drugs—this is just howkids have presented the information to me.

So what’s going on in your child’s head? He thinks that nobodyunderstands him but his peers. He thinks his parents are old–fashioned.He doesn’t like parental authorityat this stage in his life. It’s an age where he’s actively looking forreasons to reject adults. Many times he’ll think, “If my parentsbelieve something or like it, it’s automatically wrong.” Or he shrugsoff whatever you say. All of these things factor into his readiness totest you, push the limits, and discard the opinions and insights ofadults. You’ll find that you can hardly even give your adolescent childcompliments—much less constructive criticism—without getting a defiantretort.

EP: If you notice that your child is changing and you don’t like it, how should you handle it?

JL: Understand that any criticism you give to theway your daughter dresses or uses makeup, or your son’s taste in music,only emboldens them further. In other words, any criticism you givemakes it more urgent that they pursue these things. They may even bepolite and not attack you for those opinions, and they may evenconsider them. But the effects of adult opinions are usuallyinsufficient to cause kids to change. I believe this is because of thestress that’s on them socially. Don’t ever underestimate the power ofpeer pressure. When you hear the word “nerd,” think "parent." The truthis, you can tell your child something every day and just get anargument. Then one day, his best friend tells him the exact same thing,and now it’s gospel. That understandably drives parents crazy. You wantto say, “I told you that!” But if you do, your child just says, “No,you didn’t.” He just doesn’t want to hear it.

Fifty or sixty years ago, there were still a lot of taboos aboutbeing rebellious or defiant to your parents. You could be a littlerebellious, but you didn’t curse in front of them, much less call themnames. You didn’t attack teachers or act disrespectfully toward them.But nowadays, kids say anything to their parents. They treat them anyway they want to, and in many cases, they get away with it.

I also believe there is too much propaganda on TV, in the movies,and in music that convinces kids that they’ve got all the answers deepinside of them. I think it’s a mistake to tell kids that “The answersare inside you—you just have to search for them.” In my opinion, that’sa lot of garbage. It’s misleading for kids who may feel confused,overwhelmed, and as if there’s something wrong with them because theyaren’t able to dig deep enough.

Even so, I think it’s the message kids want to hear so our culturepounds it into them. Adolescents like hearing, “You’re in charge;you’re in control; your time has come.” Unfortunately, for many teens,it couldn’t be further from the truth. And when a situation comes upwhere they truly need guidance or help, it makes them more likely tofeel as if they can handle it on their own—and as if they’re incontrol—when they really aren’t.

EP: Can you say anything to your kids when they start behaving in ways that bother you?

JL: Personally, I look for ways not tofight with kids and to avoid power struggles. Again, I’m big on lettingkids make decisions and on letting them be independent on the softstuff that’s in the middle. If you picture decision–making as a room,imagine that in the middle of the room are all the “soft”decisions—including what kind of music your child likes, what kind ofclothes your son wears, who your daughter’s favorite movie star is. Thewalls of the room are the hard decisions around things like health,safety and academic performance. In my opinion, anything in the middleof the room is fine for them to decide for themselves, but if yourchild starts pushing on the walls, I think you should push back. Andstate the rules very clearly: “No, you can’t use drugs. No, you can’tdrink. No, you can’t stay out all night.” Don’t change your story line.Things like drugs and alcohol, shoplifting, damaging people’s propertyand assault are easy to define—this type of behavior is very black andwhite. Doing any of these things is wrong, and there are laws to proveit.

On the other hand, generally I think kids should be able to picktheir own music, clothes and makeup. Unless there’s some moral problemwith the way they’re dressing, this is a fight you don’t want tohave—and you want to pick your fights carefully. I know that sexualityand clothing is a particularly sensitive area. While I think clothingshouldn’t be a big argument, I think kids, particularly adolescentgirls, often dress in a very sexualized way today. If it becomesproblematic for a parent, I think they need to set limits on it. Thisis something I believe that each family has to decide for themselves.

When it comes to music, the only thing I would say is “Keep themusic down”—or have your child get a set of ear buds if you don’t wantto hear it. Certainly, just because they’re teenagers doesn’t mean youhave to listen to them blasting their music; they don’t have the rightto disturb anybody else in the house. And if their choice in music isoffensive or violent, I also think you can say, “You don’t have a rightto listen to this music in my house,” and many parents do say that. Idon’t think that’s wrong, but I don’t think it’s always effectiveeither, because it doesn’t change anything. Kids who aren’t allowed tolisten to certain kinds of music aren’t any less affected by popculture. Ultimately, though, I believe it’s the parent’s choice.

Don’t forget, your child may not do the stuff you want him to do—and he may do things you don’twant him to do. But you have to make your family’s values and positionsvery, very clear so that when your child looks to find solid groundlater, he’ll have something to revert back to. In other words, if theday comes when your child wants to follow his family’s values, themodel will be there—no matter what those values were.

EP: James, is there any way you can protect your kids, so to speak, when they leave for the day?

JL: In my opinion, you can’t insulate your childrenfrom the world. There’s nothing you can do about that. You might try toprotect them morally, spiritually or mentally, but you can’t isolatethem from the world physically. And when they go out into the world, ifthey’re attracted to something, the bottom line is that you are notgoing to be able to stop them. If they want to do something, you haveno control and you can’t change that.

But let’s talk about what you do have control over. Manykids have cell phones, video games, and computers at their disposal.All of these things are capable of introducing concepts, ideas, andbehaviors to your child that you don’t agree with. I think it’s veryimportant for you to exercise whatever control you can over whathappens in your home—and that includes all the information that comesinto your home, including TV and the Internet.

EP: Do you think parents are justified in spying on their kids’ activities?

JL: I’m not against parents spying on their kids,but I am against parents searching their kids’ rooms unless they tellthem ahead of time. I think it’s reasonable to say, “I’m going to lookin your room sometimes.” But again, I do think kids have to be told.

You can get computer programs to track the websites your childrenhave visited. If you want, you can see every text message your childhas sent or received. I support that, as long as you say to your child,“I’m going to check your text messages sometimes; I’m going to checkyour Facebook account.” You can also screen video games, but tell yourchild, “Don’t buy it before I screen it, because if I don’t like it,I’m getting rid of it. You can return it to the store or sell it.”Remember, you have the right to screen anything that comes into yourhome.

Parents can do anything they want, but I don’t think we should besneaky about it—I think we have to be up front. And if you tell yourchild that you’ll be checking up on him and he gets angry about that,that’s too bad. The main thing is that you want your child to know howimportant this is to you. You can say, “Your safety and health isimportant to me, so this is what I’m going to do. And if you don’t likeit, I understand. But this is still what I’m going to do.”

I think that it’s good to respect boundaries, and I support parentswho do that. But I also support parents who say, “Hey, I can’t worryabout a concept like boundaries when my son or daughter is using drugs;this is life and death.” If you saw somebody falling onto the subwaytracks or the railroad tracks, you wouldn’t think about boundaries,you’d grab them and save them. So I understand and support parents whenthe situation is too critical to worry about boundaries.

EP: EP: How much control do you have over the things to which your child is exposed?

JL: I think it’s important to understand that youhave no control over what your children are exposed to when they leavefor the day. I mean, if you drive them to school during the schoolyear, then they won’t be exposed to stuff on the school bus. But makeno mistake, they’re exposed to whatever happens once they get there. Ifthey go to an all–boys or an all–girls school, then they won’t beexposed to the opposite sex there, and that’s a choice many parentsmake. There are some things you can manage, but basically if your childlives in the world, your child will be exposed to the world. Andunfortunately, it’s the same world you and I are exposed to, eventhough kids don’t have the mental capacity or maturity level that wehave to deal with it. It’s a risky proposition, and I understand that.

So the only secondary control you have is through the beliefs,values, and morals that you teach to your kids. As a parent, you hopethey’re going to make good decisions and that those values will exertsome force opposing the negative influences out there. But each childis different, just like each adult is different, and there’s nothingyou can do about that. Personally, I think parents expect too much ofthemselves if they think their own behavior in the home will preventtheir child from making any mistakes in life.

Listen, I understand that it’s the most vulnerable thing in theworld to know that your child is out there alone making decisions, someof which may be life–threatening. I’m not only talking about drug andalcohol use, but also decisions about shoplifting, risky sexual behavior, and who your child talks to online.And make no bones about it, if your child is committing crimes, he’sgoing to be arrested for them, and when he turns 18, he will be triedas an adult. Believe me, that’s going to affect him for the rest oftheir his life.

So parents have every reason to be concerned and worried, and tofeel vulnerable. There’s nothing you can do except run a home wherevalues are promoted and talked about. Don’t get into fights about itwith your child—just keep your values clear. Values like “If you copout with drugs and alcohol, you’ll miss the things you need to learn.”

EP: So is there any hope for kids out there today?

JL: You can hope, but you can also plan for things.I think parents need to plan their response to certain behaviors andactions before their kids undertake them. So discuss ahead of time,“What are we going to do if Jake smokes pot? What are we going to do ifwe find drugs in his bed? What are we going to do if he gets arrestedor brought home by the cops? What is our response going to be? What isour tone going to be? What are our words going to be?” Really thinkabout what is going to be the most effective way to respond. Justbecause somebody uses drugs once doesn’t mean they’re lost forever.Certainly you want to have a way of responding to the situation that’snot hysterical, and nothing promotes that like parents talking about itahead of time.

By the way, I see the plan as a set of guidelines that you come upwith ahead of time. Talk about what you want to communicate as opposedto what you’re going to say. This is because when you are faced withthis moment, you may not say what you thought you were going to say.

EP: What kind of conversations should you have with your child about what they’re seeing or experiencing?

JL: Again, you should tell your child how riskysome of these things are. Ideally, you’ve been talking about this withhim for five years already. At the age of eight, nine, and ten, youwant to start introducing these topics. You might use smoking as anexample. “See that guy smoking? That’s so bad for you. I don’t thinkpeople should do that. It makes you sick and it costs a lot of money.”Your child might answer, “Why does he do it, then?” You can say,“Because he didn’t listen to his parents.” Make that clear. Alwaysthrow in that his parents didn’t want him to do it, or that his parentstold him not to smoke. It’s very important that your child has a senseof, “If I don’t listen to my parents, I could get into trouble.” In myopinion, that’s a really healthy thing for kids to fear.

EP: Is there anything else you would recommend to parents?

JL: Yes, I think one of the most important things for parents to do is avoidname–calling. Don’t make character references about your child becauseof some mistake in judgment that he made. In other words, let’s say youcatch your child smoking pot.I think it’s one thing to tell him that the choice was wrong, that he’saccountable for what he did, and that there will be consequences. Butparents shouldn’t be calling their kids “losers” or judging theircharacter because they screwed up. That’s not healthy.

As parents, sometimes we think that somehow we have to hurt our kidsin order for the behavior to stop. That’s the mentality behind smackingyour child on his butt—that somehow he won’t stop misbehaving until ithurts. Personally, I don’t buy that. I think you can use consequencesto make people uncomfortable. So in that sense, your child not beingable to use his cell phone should hurt. I think when parents startviciously attacking or calling names, they’re really being ineffective.It doesn’t change the behavior, and it negatively affects yourrelationship, in addition to being hurtful and mean.

So let’s say your child is smoking pot, and you say, “You littlescum bag, you really disappoint me, you lied to me you little jerk.” Ifyou’re saying this to him now, what are you going to say to him whenhe’s 30? Remember, just because you have the power to say somethingdoesn’t mean you should say it. What good is calling your child namesever going to do? Do you think he’s not going to shoot heroin becauseyou called him a bum? Do you think he’ll say, “Oh, my God, I didn’tknow you felt that way, Dad.” No way. Calling names doesn’t help—itjust creates more bad feelings. If you’re disappointed, certainly sayso. But saying hurtful things just takes away any influence you mighthave had on your child’s drug use.

I always tell parents “If being mean or angry helped, therapistswould be out of business.” I state that very clearly and honestly. Thefact is, therapists are in business because being hurtful, mean andangry doesn’t help and probably makes the problem worse.

EP: James, in your opinion is there anything about which a parent can be certain?

JL: I don’t think you can truly make sure ofanything. Part of the sweet sadness of being a parent is that you dothe best you can with your kids and then they go off on their own. Theyhave tastes of their own and dreams of their own from a very early age,whether or not they let you in on it. As your kids individuate more,you’ll see them liking things you don’t like, and not liking things youdo like; they just might not talk about it because they’re afraid toupset you. I know it’s a very hard thing to do, but I pity the parentwho can’t let go. I believe that’s part of the reason why there’s somuch fighting between parents and adolescents, because neither party iscomfortable with what's happening. The parents are not comfortable withtheir child becoming more independent and the adolescent is notcomfortable dealing with his parent’s disapproval, so they fight.Remember, for the first years of your child’s life, all he wanted wasyour approval. He feels a reaction when he's pushing you away, but hecan't help it. And that’s where the frustration and anger comes in. Itcan be such an unhappy time in a family’s life.

There really are no easy answers. The idea of letting a child outinto the world filled with dangers is a parent’s worst nightmare. Oneof the reasons it’s so hard is because you’re powerless over your kids.You spend all these years protecting your kids; you’re ready to jump infront of a bus to save them, but when the day comes when they dosomething risky, you’re powerless over it. It’s awful, but parenting isnot for sissies. I think the best thing you can do as a parent is torecognize your own limitations and learn how to be more effective ifyou can. And then really put a lot into those areas where it mattersand keep role modeling.

Parenting Teens: Parental Authority vs. Peer Pressure is reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents.

Empowering Parents is a weekly parenting newsletter, online magazine andparenting blog published by Legacy Publishing Company. Our goal is toempower people who parent by providing useful problem-solvingtechniques to parents and children.

James Lehman was a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He worked with difficult children and teens for three decades. James held a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University.