Psalms of a Middle Aged Woman
1/1/15 at 12:32 PM 0 Comments

Diary of an Influenza Prisoner of War: Day One

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Day one
Where is the truck that hit me? The muscles in my neck and shoulders are gathering around my ears for a New Year's Eve party - except I'm not celebrating! I caught a glance of myself in the bathroom mirror and I almost jerked my head off my neck when I came back for a second look, trying to figure out who was the scary woman with the bright red cheeks?
I had to send the grand babies home. There was so much crying and carrying on! But eventually I stopped because my nose was producing more mucus than a box of tissues can handle.
The coughing has gone from a cat gakking up a hairball to a visit to the sea lion exhibit at Sea World. I fear I will wake up and find a lung on my pillow. Laughing is usually joyous - unless it sounds like two weasels wrestling in a pvc pipe. No jokes please! I have to make the choice between passing out or peeing my pants!
Upon hearing the official "influenza" diagnosis, you officially become a member of a club nobody wants to join. You go through a simple initiation where you answer the phone sounding like Darth Vador and hear the reply, "oh boy! You TOO, huh?" That password gets you the latest lowdown on all the CDC internet updates, Pinterest home remedies, and stock options for Mucinex. Almost everyone, with the best intensions, ends the conversation with," make sure to get plenty of rest!" This is a cruel joke. How much healing can be had with intermittent three minute naps between coughing fits?
The good news today is that my husband has developed a new talent: guessing the approximate official reading of the thermometer. After giving me the "Influenza Salute" (hand on my forehead, lips pursed, and pensive look), he quickly whisks his hand away and douses himself in Purell before calling his bookie with a 2:1 bet on "fever of 101.5." He's actually earned enough to pay for our next vacation!
I started my Flu imprisonment with a lot of complaining and a giant pity party (in leu of a New Year's Eve party) but decided to share the fun of the Holiday Epidemic sweeping the country. More tomorrow, but right now I'm having a hard time keeepin mine eys opin andzzzzzzz.......

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