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Momentary Loss of Vision

Tue, Jan. 12, 2016 Posted: 02:01 PM


It gets easier, at least he’s not dead, etc…all the stupid things that people say when your kid joins the military. All of this is true but please don’t say these things to a mom who just sent her child into the military. I know we’ve learned the “rules” about when someone dies but I can testify that the feelings you feel when your child joins the military are like the experience of death. Saying these things do not help and they don’t make it feel better they actually make you feel like you are losing your mind or so different from other people that there is something wrong with you…that would be how I thought anyway. And although they might be true, does not mean they should be said.

I didn’t do the research about this “empty nest syndrome” and I didn’t even once think I might ever go through it and I do still have one son at home (and the two that now stay with me) so I don’t know what is out there to be said by others. But, what I do know is what I felt. Let’s just be clear that I am doing much better now. My son left for San Diego last Thursday and I only melted into my bed for that night and ½ of the next day…that is better. I did allow myself that time…no one would want to be seen without a smile on their face, right?? I’m Just saying that I had a really hard time when my son left. GOT IT?

But I scheduled an interview and got dressed up, I brushed my teeth – nah I’m just kidding…I always do that!

What I am saying is life is moving on…BUT, when he comes back and life is like I LOVED it, like we created it to be, just a well-functioning family…WOW! I did just say that! But, we were! And we still are…we just function on a different level now. So…he comes back, he leaves, I’m sad, he misses home, and NEWS FLASH he has an adjustment time too! I didn’t know that!! It doesn’t make me happy that he does but it does make me realize that I did a good job.

OK, HERE IT IS

First time saying this out loud…DEEP BREATH…I thought he wanted to leave home because I was a bad mother! WHAT?? I did though! So, that was one big realization I had to face and ultimately dismiss!

THE REAL THING…was that I have been given visions by God about my call and my boys were always in it. I never saw a husband or anyone else standing with me, just my boys, always in my knowing of my call. Now, here I am without one of them and to me this nullifies EVERYTHING God every said to me or showed me about my call. A year and a half thinking like this having conversations with God about smaller things that trouble me about the whole situation. Like how come I had no warning signs? How come I didn’t see this coming, what lead to this depression that ran so deep I didn’t care if I lived or died? YEP, had to face that too! And when I came to terms with what it really was, MY CALL, then I just told God if something changed or didn’t it is up to HIM to show me because I cannot just fabricate what my call is. So, I waited and waited and waited and waited and waited…I think I am going to have a license plate made “stl stndg” because THAT is how I felt!

FINALLY

My son had his first small deployment and (WANT TO TALK DIFFICULT) Jesus! It was like bootcamp every few days!!! I kept my phone on, afraid to leave it, because THAT is the moment he will call! Or in this case – email and I wanted to get him while he is AT the computer so that we can have a conversation.
Anyway…after he got back he was out with some friends and in their conversation he started talking about MY CALL…this is partially his and his brothers’ call…and in the middle of him telling me I just started crying and I told him that he is still in my vision, I never told them in the past that God showed them to me in my visions because they had to make their own way – not based on what God showed me, and instantly that note of extreme sadness left and I felt joy.

I understand, to those around me that didn’t understand - how could you? I was working on my understanding of the situation and soothing pain and heartache.

The point is…I’m still sad when he leaves and I still miss him but I am full again of vision.

Marianne Kurtz