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As I Find Myself...another piece

Sat, Feb. 06, 2016 Posted: 08:46 PM


Never good enough. Never pretty enough. Never good enough!

Yep. I was bulimic. Yes. I guess I have experienced body dysmorphia, if you absolutely MUST give it a name, which I hate. And, yes. I am still walking this out. One thing that I found, that helped me more than anything, was asking God to show me what others saw, because I could never see it. I don’t know how the image in the mirror can be so completely distorted. But, I was a size 3 and when I would see something different in the mirror I would just think somehow…this is what a size 3 looks like. So, the clothes would fit…it’s really hard to explain. I have not talked to anyone but God about this…so I’m not sure what the “mainstream” diagnosis is. Obviously, not going to find that here!

The point is…that when I asked God to show me what others saw in me. Because, I had people tell me all the time how beautiful I was, how I had lost so much weight, and they would say these things and I would nod and smile. When I looked in the mirror…NOTHING what they would see. I saw a much larger body, a face with so many flaws…like my eyes would just float to the flaws and only to the flaws and my hair…well…actually my hair was pretty cool looking, for its day!

My heart cry became, “just let me see what they see!”

As I have walked out bulimia, I gained weight. Now, this is a big reason I NEVER wanted to talk about this topic…because when I was bulimic, I would think “if quitting doing this means I gain weight…forget that!” I started walking it out and gained some weight; I still got compliments! It wasn’t just about the weight?? People thought I was still beautiful…this too, was not a great thought process…because I couldn’t see the beauty either! OMG! What is a girl to do? I mean really? Talk about feeling like you’re going crazy!

Well, He started to show me. He helped me with what to do to start to see. I would look in the mirror and see the distorted image, walk away, pray, go back to the mirror and there were times when the image was different to me. I was starting to see myself!

What do you see? Really look…what have people said? “You have a beautiful smile” - find that beauty.
I had to move my eyes off of the parts of my body and face, which seemed to be flawed, and make myself look for the beauty in each area. Let…me…tell…you…that is NOT an easy thing, but it has gotten easier through the years.

I am not saying there are not days when I think…’THIS (body & face) is why I’m single! Obviously I’m not good enough. I’m not pretty enough. I’m just not good enough.’ This is when I have to go to the Word as my source of what it says about me… we can use the Word as our mirror. This is how I healed.

If the Bible is my sword and I have a choice to pick it up and use it or sit and feel sorry for myself…it might be difficult…haha! That’s an understatement. Will be difficult at times, but it will get easier…I’m going to do it! I’m going to remember the Word. I’m going to take a hot bath, and get alone with my husband and I am going to let Him tell me what He sees in me! And then I’m going to remember that I am beautifully and wonderfully made! And you know what? I don’t have to look perfect and I don’t have to look how someone else wants me to look. I don’t have to the chameleon anymore! I just have to love that God made me and there is beauty and we can all look different and it’s not all about body size, weight, whether I wear make-up or whether I do my hair.

We just need to “Be our own beautiful”! I really do love that saying! I am going to write it everywhere…my car, bathroom mirror, just everywhere…so I can keep it before my eyes! Especially on the mirrors!

Marianne Kurtz