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Sex as a Weapon

Tue, Dec. 08, 2015 Posted: 10:06 AM


Sex as a weapon…

I have realized something about myself that only I could really realize in being 100% completely honest with myself…whew! That wore me out!

As a single parent there has been no one who checked me…put me in check. Ya know what I mean? I was a determined single parent who was going to raise my boys in the way that seemed right to me. That is precisely what I did! They turned out great…so far! I’m sure they’ll be fine.

What I noticed was that during this season in my life I would have times of doing things that people didn’t know about…it wasn’t meant to be a secret but it was like I had this other side of me that was like a release button. I would sometimes go dancing and maybe have a drink or two (nothing wrong with that but frowned upon by the Christian community), I would sometimes overspend on clothes/shoes for me, but one of the things that I would do or fight doing more than anything was having sex…it always served as a great release button for me…yes, even more than shopping.

I know the bible says that fornication is wrong and I know that sex is an emotional attachment to a person. I get that! That is what the bible says, that is what I taught my boys and I really do live by that in my teaching but, in my whole life, before a refound dedication to God, I had sex and sometimes by body still wants SEX…not shopping, not a drink or two, SEX. Sorry, just being real. I never really considered sex an emotional attachment…I just did it because I needed a release. So, when faced with situations over the last 18 years of my life sometimes…most times…sex was my release. Does that make me a hypocrite? Does that make me a monster? Or does that make me human? I never realized that’s what I did but it is precisely what I did. I used it to get over BIG deals in my life.

If we were financially struggling…SEX.
If it was a time of child training frustration…SEX.

That’s not to say I didn’t pray, read the bible, love life, was at church all the time, but I am human. I didn’t mean to cry hypocrite, I didn’t mean to seem to be something I’m not…But, I was getting through all the emotional crap that came with raising my sons. I wish I didn’t feel that way but that’s the truth. So, now I am on the verge of a new step in my life, with someone, and I am afraid of the fact that I get over emotional things with sex. Does this make me a cheater? I have never been a cheater. Just a little nervous about that…anyway…that’s my parental misguidance for the day. No solution just a thought.

I taught my sons the biblical way and quite honestly hope they never read this blog, but if they do, I never claimed that I was a perfect christian, mom, or person...and I always told them that if my parenting in anyway messed them up to please feel free to get help. Deliverance line in church, psychiatrist, whatever they needed to get their thinking right.

Marianne Kurtz