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Posted 3/30/15 at 1:21 PM | Shaunti Feldhahn

Women, if your husband is grumpy and withdrawn, try compliments, not complaints

Christian Post Blog, Marriage Mondays with Shaunti Feldhahn

March 30, 2015

Welcome to Marriage Mondays! Each Monday, join me as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things about men, women, and relationships that make a big difference in creating great marriages.


Tip: 51: Women, if your husband is grumpy and withdrawn, try compliments, not complaints

Ladies, does your man seem to be doing everything right outside of the house, but at home he is often grumpy and withdrawn? Does he seem to be pleasant to everyone but you? Does he get upset over the littlest things you do and say? Do you feel like you are being ignored? If you are nodding yes, yes, yes, then here’s a news flash for you: these are all signs of a man who is absolutely starving for affirmation. FULL POST

Posted 3/30/15 at 12:47 PM | Christian Post Guest Voices

Fairytale Love Is Real

I define my fairytale. It doesn't mean that we are happy every second of the day. It doesn't mean that we don't have disagreements. It doesn't mean that it's easy. It doesn't mean that we've never made mistakes.

But it does mean that we are giving our best. It does mean that we are selfless. It does mean that we are happy. It does mean that we don't argue. It does mean that we don't cheat. It does mean that we are teammates and not opponents.

I call it a fairytale because to be in a completely blissful relationship for over the last 5 years is almost unheard of today. I call it a perfect relationship because of what I'm comparing it to. As a professional relationship coach I've come to realize that yelling, fussing, and fighting is normal in most relationships today. If it's not that, then it's cheating. If it's not that, then it's ulterior motives like money, position, etc. A lot of relationships today are shams. Too many people are faking it. We stopped faking about 6 years ago and we started growing. FULL POST

Posted 3/27/15 at 6:08 PM | Carolyn Henderson

Other Humans Are Not Our Servants

Afternoon Tea inspirational original oil painting of mother and child at tea part in forest meadow by Steve Henderson, licensed prints at,,, great big canvas, icanvas, and framed canvas art
Steve Henderson Fine Art
How we treat others who are more vulnerable than we -- especially when others are not watching -- says more about who we are than any job title we hold. Afternoon Tea , original oil painting by Steve Henderson

It is a universal truth that people who like the Jane Austen book, Pride and Prejudice, frequently go beyond mere "like" to excessive admiration. One of my own daughters is just such a fan, revisiting the story in book, movie, or mini-series form on a regular basis.

"Life was so much better in those days," she says with a sigh during those moments when modern life seems especially dislikable. FULL POST

Posted 3/27/15 at 10:04 AM | Christian Post Guest Voices

8 Qualities to Look for In Great Friends

Community is a big part of the life we live. And while some of us may have a bigger sense of community than others, the importance of having friends to confide in, spend time with and celebrate alongside are pinnacle to living the community-based life Jesus has called us to.

Finding new friends is easy, but finding great friends can be quite tough. True friendships should last a lifetime, and I believe these 10 qualities are a good start when searching for friends you can truly do life with.

1. Reliable.

Flakes are lame. Nobody likes to spend time with someone who constantly backs out of plans and shows up late. You’ll find yourself getting more and more frustrated with this person each and every time it happens. Mind you, not everyone is perfect, but you want someone in your life who is reliable and can be counted on.

2. Trustworthy.

Don’t set yourself for friendship failure by befriending someone you cannot trust. Friendships with trust issues will always be a burden, especially if they are not handled carefully. FULL POST

Posted 3/23/15 at 1:56 PM | Alex Murashko

Is Porn Bad For the Single Adult? XXXchurch Founder Answers

It should be a no-brainer to know that pornography destroys marriages.

After all, habitually viewing pornography “sets up formidable walls between couples: guilt, unrealistic sexual expectations, addictive behaviors, and the erosion of trust, to name just a few.” Another words, as “The Intimate Couple” puts it, pornography can be a “barrier to intimacy.”

As a $14-billion per year industry in the U.S., studies show that an increased number of marriages are harmed by men and/or women viewing porn. Often leading to divorce, the affairs of the heart (and mind) include an addiction to cyber porn.

The reality of pornography inside a marriage is that “it introduces another person into a couple’s sex life,” as an article in MarriageToday states.

Another person? That is serious and that is more than sad.

MarriageToday properly attributes Jesus as saying that “simply looking at another person in a longing and lustful manner is equal to adultery.” The article continues: “Inevitably, we begin to compare our spouse’s body and sexual performance to the person or people in the pornography we are viewing. Also, we are making a very damaging statement to our spouse that they simply aren’t enough for us. Of course, when stimulated by pornography, no number of women or men could ever satisfy us. It is an insatiable appetite.” FULL POST

Posted 3/23/15 at 1:07 PM | Shaunti Feldhahn

Husbands, Reassure Your Wife

Welcome to Marriage Mondays! Each Monday, join me as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things about men, women, and relationships that make a big difference in creating great marriages.


Tip #50: Husbands, when you are angry or upset with your wife and need to get some space, reassure her that “We’re okay” before you pull away – and give her a hug when you come back.


There is one fairly simple thing you as a guy can do that will dramatically increase your wife’s happiness and security in marriage: when you are displeased with her, reassure her that you love her before you pull away to get some space. FULL POST

Posted 3/21/15 at 1:14 PM | Larry Dozier

What Is Your Frame of Reference?

I believe the Body of Christ has allowed the demonically influenced world system to define “the church”, to define Christianity, to define what is good and bad, to define success and define the source of our provision, to define education, to define our government, etc., etc. etc. It’s time for the Body of Christ to wake up, get up, pray up, study up, prep up and stand up to define right and wrong - good and bad according to what God says in the Bible.

But how do we do that? Do we use the Old Testament, The Tanakh, The Torah, or The New Testament? And what about the thousands of denominations and religions that claim to be Christians with completely different viewpoints. Which rules of conduct do we follow? Do we follow the ancient Hebrews that sacrificed animals and didn’t eat pork or do we follow the Catholic traditions or possibly the Protestants, the Baptists or Methodists? Who defines right and wrong – good and bad for Christians?

American laws, since her founding, have largely reflected the 10 Commandments and the Torah, which many call “the ancient Hebrew Law”. But the Hebrews and modern Jews literally translate the word “Torah” from Hebrew to English as “The Teachings of God”. The Hebrew word, torah (תורה), is derived from a root that was used in the realm of archery, yareh (ירה). Yareh means to shoot an arrow in order to hit a mark. The mark or target, of course, was the object at which the archer was aiming. Therefore, torah, one of the nouns derived from this root, is, therefore, the arrow aimed at the mark. The target is the truth about God and how one relates to Him. The Torah is, therefore, in the strict sense instruction designed to teach us the truth about God. Torah means direction, teaching, instruction, or doctrine. (Source: FULL POST

Posted 3/19/15 at 1:25 PM | Christian Post Guest Voices

Desperate For Love

When it comes to love, desperation is a weak emotion and it produces weak results. You have to know your worth and you have to be willing to wait as long as it takes to meet someone who will appreciate you. If you get desperate you will settle for anyone willing to show you a little attention. You will compromise your morals and values. You will compromise your self-respect and put up with stuff you always said you wouldn't. You'll give a boyfriend the benefits of a husband. Heck, you'll give a man who won't even give you a real commitment the benefits of a husband. You'll ignore everything you said you stood for and you'll settle.

I'm speaking to the women on this one because in all of my life I've only seen one or two men do this.
The question I've receive the most are from women who are doing everything in their power to please and keep a man but that man won't give them a title or a real commitment. He wants to live together. He wants to split the bills. He wants to have all kinds of sex. He wants meals cooked, laundry done, and the house clean. BUT, he doesn't want to give you a title. He doesn't want to say you're his girlfriend. He doesn't want to get engaged. He doesn't want to get married. He might not even want to make the relationship public on Facebook and IG.
I'm gonna put this simple. YOU'RE GETTING PLAYED!!!!
You're getting played like a deck of cards. You're getting played like parker brothers board games. You're getting played like the lotto. You've ignored every ounce of intuition God gave you. You know that man doesn't really love you or want you but you want love so bad that you're willing to do anything. You fell for the "let's take our time and not rush things" for so long that now you're afraid to walk away because of all the time you've invested. If it's been longer than a year and you've been sexing, fussing, and fighting you should have a real commitment by now. For starters you shouldn't be having sex. You shouldn't be living together. That's the mistake I made too and it almost ruined us for good. It's very hard to start over once you've built a mansion on the sand. You need a firm foundation. Living together and having sex before marriage isn't a firm foundation. You've put the cart before the horse.
Separate the benefits package. This is how a relationship would go in an ideal world.
1. The man approaches you and starts the courting process
2. You date without having sex
3. He asks you to be his woman exclusively and you all start a real relationship
4. The relationship becomes public
5. He is getting his life together and you're getting yours together. In example, he has his own place, job, and a car. You have your own place, job, and a car.
6. He proposes. You accept. You set a wedding date no further than a year out.
7. If you can't afford a wedding you go to the court house. That's what we did.
8. You get married. Break your leases or sublease. Move in together.
9. You build for a year or more and enjoy life as a married couple.
10. You start a family if you don't already have kids but want some.
That's how it would be done in a perfect world. That's how it was done in the Bible days. Today, we are doing our own thing. We don't have structure. We don't have rules. We don't follow God's blueprint. That's why our relationships are a mess. That's why we struggle so bad. That's why we fail so often. We are trying to create love but not following the instructions of the creator of love.
Guess what? You can do it the right way and you can meet someone who will do it the right way with you.
Will it be hard? Absolutely. Unless you're walking and talking with God and living by His word. If that's the case he will meet your needs when you NEED them. You have to be truly living right to activate that favor and those blessings. If you're faking it trying to make it, you won't make it. A man can tell if you're really about that righteous life or if you're a wolf in sheep's clothing.
Here's what I would advise if your'e single and ready:
1. Focus on yourself. Work as hard as you can and accumulate the things you should have and wait until you attract a man who is bringing the same to the table. He should be on your level. You shouldn't have to carry him, sponsor him, or raise him.
2. Keep your legs closed and open your eyes. Date but don't "give it up." Let him court you while you pay attention to the signs. There are plenty of men willing to do it the right way for a woman who is right for him and ready for love. Keywords: right for him!
3. BE PATIENT!! Occupy your time until it's your time. It may be 10 years, 20 years, or 30 years. The longer it takes, the greater you're supposed to be. The longer it takes means that there is more work you have to do. You're called to something higher than you're currently reaching and you have to reach higher. Everyone's life is different. You can't look at the next woman and expect to be married at the same time as her. You have a different call on your life and a different timeline. Occupy until it's your time.
Here's what I would advise if you're in a relationship that's being built on sand:
1. Have a serious talk and state what you need to happen for the relationship to continue.
2. Implement the changes you want to be made. Do relationship coaching. Watch and work for the next three months to see if any changes are made. This only applies if you're in a relationship where there is no present danger.
3. Give a monthly reminder of the relationship goals at least once a month over those next three months. Keep working towards the goals and leading by example. If your partner is unwilling to grow, get coaching, or change; leave him and don't look back. He is a grown boy and he doesn't really love you or want you. He is confused about what being a man really is and he's caught up in ego. He wants to rebel because he thinks it's weakness to be taught or led. Let him go so he can grow. You need to heal, go, and grow.
Don't settle for less than you're worth. Don't play house if you don't have a ring with a real commitment. You don't get what you're worth, you get what you require. No one can treat you less than you allow them to. Whatever you have is because you've allowed it and accepted it. If you don't want it, change it. If you can't change it, leave it. Life is too short to waste your time with someone who is wasting their time.
God bless,
Tony Gaskins Jr.

Posted 3/19/15 at 11:12 AM | Christian Post Guest Voices

6 Questions to Ask about Your Marital Intimacy

It’s beneficial from time to time to take stock of your life and ask if there’s anything you could improve. (Hint: There is.) Today, I hope you’ll join me in asking six questions about your marital intimacy.

1. Do we have sex often enough?

Frequency is the first order of business for many spouses. They either feel that sex is not happening often enough or their spouse is expecting sex too often. In a healthy marriage, sex is not a rare event. It’s a regular activity that expresses love and builds relationship, not to mention that it relieves stress, helps you sleep, and improves mood. So how often should you have sex?

I’ve asserted that couples should have sex at least once a week, but more often is better. If you look up and it’s been over a week, check your priorities and devote more time for physical closeness. If you’re having sex almost every day, that’s normal and healthy. Indeed, when you consider how often to have sex, just consider that it doesn’t require that much time, feels good once you get going, and should be approached not with the question “Why?” but “Why not?”
2. Does our sex life include variety? FULL POST

Posted 3/18/15 at 3:18 PM | Christian Post Guest Voices

How to Ask Your Husband for What You Want

Most of the questions I get on this blog are something like this: “My husband is doing X wrong, and I don’t know what to do about it. How can I get him to act differently?” Maybe it’s that she caught him using porn, and she has taken screenshots and saved them and done everything except talk to him about it.

Or he doesn’t understand that foreplay is important and she finds sex unsatisfying.

Or when he comes to bed he’s stinky and that makes her not want to make love.

Or he needs to lose weight but she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings, so how does she show him?

There Is No Magic Bullet When You Need to Ask for Help

They want to know–what can I do to make my husband see this issue from my perspective?

And they want to know specific actions they can take that can win him over to their point of view. There must be something they’re just doing wrong if he doesn’t understand something so obvious, right? So how can she change what she’s doing, or hint, or let him understand what’s wrong? FULL POST

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