Relationships

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Posted 8/13/15 at 8:36 AM | Veronica Philips

My Advice to Hollywood

If at first you don’t succeed, do you try, try again? Ask any couple married longer than 7 years what the secret to their success is, and the man will tell you, “Well I didn’t kill her when I wanted to”. Didn’t kill her indeed. Merrill and I have been together for 22 years, married 20, happily so for 5, and I can tell you it is by far easier to repair a relationship, than replace a relationship. In this, the year of the Hollywood breakups, I thought I give a shout out to those who now find themselves single again, after months of marriage. Perhaps, I can offer them a word….just to help them…..in their next marriage. God Bless them.
1. Make up sex is always better if you have something to make up for. He’s probably picking a fight on purpose. Go for it.
2 Adjust your aim. You don’t really want to hurt him, just nick him, so he knows you’re serious.
3 Ignore the public scratching. There are far worse things he can be doing in the Wal-Mart aisle.
4 You can hit him in the wallet, but don’t touch his Bears football. That’s just hitting below the belt.
5 Yes we all know the Cubbies suck, he knows it too. It’s not necessary to remind him daily that he supports a losing team. You probably watch the Kardashians….Just Saying.
6 A man’s home is his castle, the toilet his throne. You are NOT the chambermaid. Make him clean up after himself. Trust me on this. It will prevent many arguments, and unnecessary insults against his manhood.
7 He probably really DOESN’T see the socks, in the middle of the floor, on top of the pile of clothes, on fire. Give him the benefit of the doubt. EVERY TIME.
8 Yes, he is rising up his son to be just like him. Could be worse, could be like YOU.
9 His mother is off limits. No exceptions.
10 One word: EGO. Men are the hunter’s, gathers and spider killers of society. Make them feel like the most important person in your world, and he’ll die for you.
Contraire to what ever Harlequin novel ever told you, Love, in a relationship is not enough. There must be respect, a mutual agreement that when arguing, some subjects, (like his mother) are off limits. Merrill always says that when we argue, it’s our love language…..I mean, I guess, but it is true that even in arguing, the lines of communicate are open, even if hostile. Understand that the person to whom you pledged your undying commitment to, may not perfect, but you chose him, and he is your partner. Go with THAT as a foundation, and all things, can be forgiven. Okay, gotta go. We’re grocery shopping this am, and I need to make a list. Otherwise, I’ll end up with 5 bags of chips, beer, and hotdogs. I suppose #11 should have been, “Never send him grocery shopping alone. It will not end well for you”…..Be Blessed. Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Thursday.

Posted 8/10/15 at 9:23 AM | Veronica Philips

I am NOT a Role Model

My manager, who shall remain nameless, encouraged me to get out to other social networking sights and expand my horizons, I did. I have had some moderate success with Twitter, after figuring out it was a simple ego stoker of the stars, I mean if you can kiss a**…you’ll get retweeted.. I’m now out to conquer the world of LinkedIn; which is a little tougher being filled with stuffy people, doing stuffy things. I digress. As I logged into my Twitter account this am, I was greeted by yet another notification that I was being followed. So far, I have Dwayne Johnson, Lady Gaga, and now TED….humph. There was another little sister, a Christian girl, who sent me a message that read in part, “I love your blogs. So nice to see we have another Christian woman in the world today”…..Thank you, but this is exactly what my Publicist and Manager warned me about…..being labeled as something, when my actions are something else…..I have been PIGEON HOLED….that is the very definition of ….HYPOCRITE.
Well okay, maybe not so much, but should I be flattered? I mean, I am a Christian….but don’t make ME your leader, ‘cause we’ll go to The Wall together. I’d really rather be known as “The Girl who Wasn’t Judged”, but then again, we KNOW that’s crazy speak. See, as a Christian I can’t: Burp, fart, WRITE fart, cuss, scratch privately in public, scratch publically in private, have sex, talk about having sex, enjoy sex, mouth off to my husband, spit, eat with my mouth open, admonish people to KMA, be unhappy, be sad, be mad, lash out, drink coffee, drink wine, DRINK, poop, tell dirty jokes, laugh at dirty jokes, be offensive, be offended, be obnoxious, be gay, be rich, be poor, be sad (I already said that), be scared, be afraid, be powerful, be trepedatious, be disappointing, be lazy, be busy, be sick, be healthy, be pretty, be ugly, be hair-colored (I know) be boob jobish (Again, I know), BE anything that isn’t perfect, and frankly that’s a LOT of pressure, and the entire reason I wrote, Don’t Judge Me-I’m Not a Role Model, (due out whenever I get a breath).
I am way more comfortable being the bad girl of the faith, but we all know, that can’t go on forever. Actually, I am aware, that I use the Don’t Judge Me banner entirely too much, to excuse my bad behavior. We all KNOW I shouldn’t have punched that man in the face, we all KNOW I shouldn’t write some of the things I write on Facebook, we all KNOW that I should be more weary and cautious of the toes I step on….There are choices and decisions I make poorly….it’s unfortunate that you have to see me behaving badly. It’s unfortunate that some consider me a Role Model, when like Charles Barkley, I’m NOT. When/if you follow me, you make me responsible for my actions….I don’t like that (smile), but then again, I KINDA made myself that…didn’t I? I KNOW I must do better, but I need for people to not label me, so that I can be me…..Am I telling you not to follow me? No, just don’t put too much credence on what I do…..Oh I know, do as I tell you to do….not as I show you to do. Okay, gotta go. Princess has an appt, and I must go get ready for it. Geesh, you’d think she were home again…..Tee Hee….I don’t mind. Don’t Judge Me? Be Blessed. Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Monday.

Posted 8/7/15 at 10:03 AM | Veronica Philips

Blessed Are Those Who Wait Upon the Lord!

I really feel like God will give you the right moment for the right problem. This doesn’t mean you should sit around at home, lazy and just wait….it means that if you’re going to talk the talk Christian girl, you may want to walk the walk as well, and how freaking ironic is it when the person He sends you is someone you notoriously, verbally spar with…every chance you both get? God does expect you to get out and live your life….get out of bed….do stuff…..but sometimes, I think He’s showing off like He did in that game of golf with Moses and His son. Look at me, I’m God…..I can part a sea….What have YOU done today? Okay Daddy, we get it, you’re God, and we’re not. Well done.
I drew a line that I can’t undraw with Grace. It’s the kind of line that says, “this is my stand, like it, or leave it, I don’t care which”. It isn’t "The Line" that kills a relationship, it’s the series of situations that leads up to the line being drawn, that’s the relationship killer, and Satan would have you believe that your ends justify a means….it does NOT. Sometimes, we can only go on Auto Pilot for so long before we become aware that we’re at our destination….the destination of Line Drawing……and before you KNOW it, you’re standing nose to nose with your spouse, willing to give it all up….because of fear. You know, we weren’t given a spirit of fear…..fear doesn’t come from Him…..if Satan can get you to justify your bad behavior….he’s got ya…..only Divine Intervention can save you now……Carrie has drawn a few lines herself., except I didn’t know that until I started talking with her. Why on earth would I do that? This woman is my mortal enemy! Well, not really, but the verbal fisticuffs would certainly have you believing that she and I hate each other….we do not, but she is not my first choice for a confidant….I can tell you THAT. I was needing a Word, He sent me an Ear….WAIT….what’s that Scripture?
“Blessed are those who wait upon the Lord” when in need He will always send you help, it just doesn’t always have a halo. Earth Angels are everywhere……..it’s refreshing to know that there are other “line drawers” out there, and while we made no profound progress, that is, a solution wasn’t created, I did walk away feeling renewed..........Carrie has had her own issues this year, so it was nice of her, to pretend to listen to mine. Friends, if I can impart one word of wisdom to you, it’s to WAIT. The Lord has what you need, when you need it. He really does provide…I mean HE really does….Funny how that works out. I feel better and ready to take on the world. To Wait is to be Blessed…..hmm, Ronnie’s gift isn’t exactly in waiting…Patience is a Spiritual Gift not given to me…..if you know what I mean. Gotta go. Duchess missed her daddy, and he needs me to retract her out of his butt….poor man….he can’t even sit down. Guess she got her blessing too. Be Blessed. Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With you Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Friday.

Posted 7/26/15 at 1:19 AM | Kiel Khan

We Need More

WE NEED MORE

My hope is, that anyone reading this, won't read it as if reading a menu and just glance through it but will truly read it and allow it to effect change in their life.

"I believe in order that I may understand." I heard that line and the more I thought about it on a spiritual level the more I realized how dimensional it was. Not being limited to just belief with regard to understanding Christ but also with regard to being compassionate to others. This belief isn't the modern day interpretation of it where by people say "Yeah I believe in .......... " That is more acknowledgement of something than anything else and doesn't compel. The belief I am talking about is all encompassing and couples acknowledgement with action. Belief in Christ allows me to experience what it means to place my life in him. Accepting, by Faith, I am able to experience and once I experience, I know. That knowledge compels me to act. This compassion through belief opens me up to understanding myself and others more. The ability to understand my significant other and us is as a direct result of that belief in GOD. That willingness to place my faith in God affirms the confidence in our future.

By ourselves neither of us is good enough for the other to be in a stable fulfilling relationship. Through God though we are. Through God I know how I am supposed to deal with situations and persons in life. Through God I am able to deal with the difficulties we encounter as a couple because I am able to think more and react less. Who I was, didn't allow me to be in the type of relationship that I wanted. Who I am now is far better equipped but still not there yet and is why I am constantly allowing myself to change to become better, not for my significant other but because of them. I am able to see now where my short comings are and where I need to work on. Allowing myself to change for them only makes me feel like it's not genuine and it's for someone and leads to only temporary fulfillment. All that changes once things aren't so great, and feels like more of a character change leaving a sense of being compromised. But by allowing myself to change because of them, makes me realize that by myself I am limited and so I need to become better to understand, relate and empathize. I allow myself to change for me, because I see the need to in order for me to grow in all aspects. I am also made aware of my short comings when I read;
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. (Colossians 3:12-14 NIV) FULL POST

Posted 7/20/15 at 3:09 PM | Christian Post Guest Voices

Guarding My Marriage, By A Newly Wed

When I said, “I do,” I knew those two small words carried a very heavy load along with them. I have always known marriage is a commitment, and that commitment is what sustains love, and that marriage is work, and that nothing is perfect. I didn’t enter into my marriage with the naive notion that it was going to be easy, and love required nothing from me to sustain itself.

However, it was not until after I was married that I realized just how hard it is going to be. Now, let me just say that I am a newlywed. I have been married for almost 3 months. For pete’s sake, I haven’t even sent my thank you cards out yet so by no means am I calling myself an expert. I am actually the very opposite of that. That is why I am taking this so seriously. Marriages of supposed veterans and relationship gurus and spiritual leaders have crumbled under their own weight. I am constantly hearing and reading about failed marriages. Just yesterday we heard that Tullian Tchividjian stepped down from his pastorship because he and his wife were both involved in affairs. I mean, he is Billy Graham’s grandson- Billy Graham!- a man took so many well-known precautions and procedures to protect the sanctity and purity of his marriage. {Seriously, look it up!} Tchividjian wrote eight books about Christianity and current issues, and was married for almost fifteen years, and it would be the height of stupidity to think that marital failure could not happen to me. If he can fail at this, so can I. FULL POST

Posted 7/15/15 at 12:40 PM | Audra Jennings

Pamela Havey Lau Shares Five Patterns to Practice in Relationships

Part 2 of an interview with Pamela Havey Lau,

Author of A Friend in Me

Click here to read the complete Q&A!

Pamela Havey Lau, author of A Friend in Me
Pamela Havey Lau

Young women long for relational connection. Yet, without realizing it, more mature Christian women often distance themselves from women in their twenties and thirties because they use different language to talk about God or have different views on church and theology.

In A Friend in Me: How to be a Safe Haven for Other Women (David C Cook/June 1, 2015/ ISBN: 978-1434708649/ $15.99), Pam Lau shows readers how to be a safe place for the younger women in their lives. She offers five patterns women need to internalize and practice for initiating relationships and talking about issues such as faith, sexuality, and vocation. Most significantly, she reminds readers that when generations get together, they can have a global impact and experience a deeper personal faith than they’ve ever known.

Click here to watch Pamela Havey Lau talk about why she wrote A Friend in Me.

Q: Why do you think it’s harder for women of the younger generation to create meaningful connections with other women?

It’s hard for women from all generations to create meaningful connections, especially with today’s social media, but the younger ones have never known any different! While the need to connect hasn’t shifted, but the opportunities and ways we connect deeply have moved — and they continue to change rapidly. We have all the right tools to connect, but the sheer number of choices, our overall lack of commitment and the breakdown of strong family ties encourage us to live our lives as free agents. So like Dorie in Finding Nemo, we just keep on swimming, exhausting ourselves in the process. We just can’t see clearly to make satisfying connections that are certainly there!

The problem is there’s a gap that’s widening. The way the older generation talks about faith, sexuality and vocation can send the message, “I don’t agree with the way you’re living your life.” On the other hand, the way younger women work, support themselves financially and build relationships may send the message, “I am fine, and I don’t need your support.” However, I have discovered women all across the age groups desperately need and want close relationships with one another. Our greatest connections are already there — we just need the Spirit of God to open our eyes and soften our hearts.

Q: How would you define authenticity in a relationship?

When authenticity is alive and well in a relationship, people are honest about themselves and about how they feel when the other person hurts them or makes them feel loved. You can't feel loved if the other person isn't loving the real you. You have to come to the relationship as you are — not as you want someone to perceive you to be. That goes both ways. For a relationship to remain authentic, it can't be about transactions or who has done what for whom. It's also not bearing it all without any boundaries. As Christians, authentic relationship takes on a whole new level because we have Christ interceding for us and praying we will love one another as he loved his disciples while he was here. What can that look like here on earth? Christian authenticity is listening spiritually to one another's lives. We minister to each other as we listen to what the Spirit is saying or doing in another person's life. There's a passage in Hebrews that describes the Word of God as alive and active, cutting through everything. That's what authenticity looks like in a relationship where Christ is the center — it cuts us to our truest, most real self. The world is thirsty for Christian authenticity.

Q: Have you ever had trouble being authentic with the women in your life?

When authenticity is alive and well in a relationship, people are honest about themselves and about how they feel when the other person hurts them or makes them feel loved. You can't feel loved if the other person isn't loving the real you. So you have to come to the relationship as you are — not as you want someone to perceive you to be. That goes both ways. For a relationship to remain authentic, it can't be about transactions or who has done what for whom. It's also not bearing it all without any boundaries. As Christians, authentic relationship takes on a whole new level because we have Christ interceding for us and praying we will love one another as he loved his disciples while he was here. What can that look like here on earth? Christian authenticity is a spiritual listening to one another's lives. We minister to each other as we listen to what the Spirit is saying or doing in another person's life. There's a passage in Hebrews that describes the Word of God as alive and active, cutting through everything. That's what authenticity looks like in a relationship where Christ is the center — it cuts us to our truest, most real self. The world is thirsty for Christian authenticity.

Q: Why are cross-generational relationships so important? What is the biggest hindrance in making them work?

Cross-generational relationships are a reflection of the Church. We often spend time with people in our own age or life category, which can be rewarding, but we miss out on the history of life when we’re not with people ahead of us. Younger women need the connections with women ahead of them as they make life decisions. I love, love spending time with my younger women friends, and I work on remaining a safe haven. That’s the biggest hindrance in making cross-generational relationships work — learning how to be a safe haven. Until that happens, the younger women will remain spiritually independent, and that’s not God’s will for the Church universal.

When women are safe havens for one another, the need for spiritual independence decreases. When I read Peter’s reaction to Jesus washing his feet in John 13, I realize that’s what we say to one another when we so desperately need to love and be loved. “You’re not going to do that for me! I will take care of myself.” Jesus was the safest haven of all, and Peter still hadn’t trusted him!

A Friend in Me by Pamela Havey Lau
David C Cook

Q: As a busy wife and mother, what are some ways you build time into your life to make friendships a priority?

Once I accepted the fact I cannot survive without meaningful connections with women, I could identify ways to build quality time into my world. Here are a few: Once a week, I pull up my calendar and carefully scan the upcoming week. I look for a work-to-friend ratio. Am I working too many hours without taking a break? Do I have too many social connections scheduled in a week? Too many can drain me and keep me from connecting meaningfully, so I pace myself.

I also pay attention to the kinds of connections I need. For example, one woman serves more as a spiritual director, another walks closely with me in my writing, one woman prays with me weekly (sometimes daily) and another friend loves to run long distances. My point is not one woman can meet all my needs, and these friendships are reciprocal — so it’s never just about me. One mistake married women with children can make is to form all their friendships around their children’s friend’s parents. Although wonderful friendships can form from those years, I’ve seen over and over how women feel a deep sense of loneliness when their child leaves a school or a family decides to stop homeschooling.

Q: What are the five patterns you want women to internalize and practice in their relationships with other women?

I want women to practice and know how to talk about their own experiences so they can connect with women who are a bit behind them in life.

· The other side of pain and suffering

· The power of comfort

· Acting with understanding

· Knowing full forgiveness

· Relating with compassion

Learn more about Pamela Havey Lau and A Friend in Me at www.pamelalau.com, on Facebook (pamela.h.lau) or by following her on Twitter (@pamelahaveylau).

Posted 7/9/15 at 11:00 AM | Christian Post Guest Voices

When Sex Seems Like a Chore

A few weeks ago a young wife caused quite a stir when she wrote an article called “The Night I Gave My Husband a Free Pass.” I won’t link to it because I think quite a few of you would find the site itself and the language objectionable, but let me summarize.

Basically, they have a great marriage. They’re good friends, they parent well together, they do stuff together. But she has no libido, and making love when she doesn’t feel like it is degrading and gross, she says. And she doesn’t understand why sex has to be a part of marriage. It all seems so silly. Why give up a perfectly good relationship just because the sex isn’t there? So her solution is this: he can have an affair or use a prostitute, it’s honestly okay with her. In fact, she’d appreciate it because then he’d stop bothering her and they could go on with their real lives together!

A number of you have sent that article to me and asked me to comment, but I haven’t really had time what with wedding preparation (9 Days and Counting!). But I’ve had some men send me some material that I think is really useful for women who start getting into that frame of mind. FULL POST

Posted 7/7/15 at 11:57 PM | Karen Farris

No Sex for Seahawk’s Russell Wilson

Bing Images

Besides negotiating a lucrative NFL contract in the off-season, Russell Wilson is getting serious with girlfriend Ciara. The attractive couple made headlines when she appeared on his arm at the White House, but what’s even more exciting is their decision to remain sexually abstinent.

As a Christian, Wilson is one of the more inspiring NFL players. He routinely visits seriously ill children at the local Seattle hospital, and donates time to many religious causes. But the Seahawk fan-favorite recently spoke about Ciara to the congregation at Rock Church. Smiling, Wilson explained that Ciara is a kind, engaging person and everything he could want.

Bing images

One time while she was preparing for a show, Wilson was waiting in her dressing room, and he felt God spoke to him saying, “I need you to lead her…” For Wilson and Ciara that meant doing things “Jesus’ way…Yeah we’re talking about sex.” FULL POST

Posted 7/6/15 at 2:59 PM | Christian Post Guest Voices

Our Marriage Hasn't Been the Same Since My Husbands Porn Addiction

Most of the letters I get, though, aren’t about a specific problem–they’re a whole series of problems in a relationship that add up to something quite serious. Here’s a typical letter:

I’ve read your posts about husbands not wanting sex. It’s a battle in my marriage. He had a problem with porn earlier in our relationship but as far as I know he has stopped and to be honest we have less sex now than when he was looking at porn. It could be stress, he was recently retrenched and is only getting back onto his feet now. However I’m the main breadwinner and as much as I try not let him feel like less of a man, when I’m stressed I think I sometimes do. If it’s medical we currently cannot afford to get it checked.

My main problem is that he will usually have sex if I initiate (although sometimes he will reject me). I’ve just gotten to the point where I feel so unwanted I don’t want him. I feel if he would rather play Xbox or whatever it is, then I just don’t want him to touch me. The last time I initiated he literally picked up his phone to read a message so I stopped. It completely killed the mood. FULL POST

Posted 7/6/15 at 2:48 PM | Christian Post Guest Voices

My Husband Acts Like He’s Single

Here’s a sad one:

We have four little children, and we both feel strongly about protecting them. We don’t allow just anybody to babysit our kids. However, it seems this leads to my always being stuck at home with them while my husband hangs out with a group of young single friends. I feel as though he’s spending his money and his time like a single person, while I’m at home being the mommy. When he is at home, he texts the single girls. Everything is extremely aboveboard and beyond reproach… but it still hurts. I know guys need some time to themselves. So, am I being selfish? Should I talk to him about how much this hurts me… or will I drive him away by making him feel that I’m trying to monopolize his life? I’ve jokingly complained about his close friendship with one of the other women, but guys don’t get hints…

I see several issues here, the first one being that the two don’t seem to communicate. He is doing something that hurts her, she’s hinting, but they’re not talking. And they have four kids already! FULL POST

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